Tissue Paper Industry flourishes because of Aamir Khan’s Satyamev Jayate!!!

 

This ** FICTIONAL** article appeared in one of the most upcoming youth magazine Scribido and it can be read HERE






By Delusional Reporter

We have created a …oopss!! Did I say ‘created?!! No… I mean, we have covered a sensational and inspirational story from Aamir Khan’s unobtrusive show Satyamev Jayate. The team of Delusional Tribune has done a ground ZERO research (I stand corrected, because last time I had a slip of pen and wrote, mistakenly GROUND ZERO means sit-on-ground-and-use-Google to search & write articles on). 

And coming back to our news story, we have found out that since the commencement of a perfectionist’s perfectly tried and priced show Satyamev Jayate, the sales of TISSUE PAPERS have soared up dramatically. Only four episodes have been completed and the stocks of tissue papers, across India’s kirana stores have diminished in no time. The kiranawallas are surprised with this unexpected turn of the people, especially uncles, to buy tissue papers.

We managed to speak to a veteran kiranawalla, Babulal in Mumbai who has taken a big leap from kirana store to exclusively tissue paper show room, which has a wide and variety of tissue papers; versatile color ranges, all of them having a prefix of ‘perfectionist’  before their traditional names: ‘perfectionist’s black’, ‘ perfectionist’s pink’, ‘KiranRao’s color’, etc. etc.

Spitting the red color chewed tobacco in front of me; yes it seemed as if I disappointed him by not buying a tissue box, he said, (putting his ring finger in his nose and speaking in a nasal voice), “ woo kyaan hainn na, kiii (now scratching his head with same ring finger), Aamir ji bahut salonse hame prerit karte aye hai, hamne hamesha unki beard ke isstyle ko follou kiya hun. ee dekhiye, susra Gajni ke bakhat, e-hair cut karwaya aur kambakhat baal hi nahi aya wapis. Par I, (spelling out the word) l-o-o-s-e not my patient anad (and) getting inspectered from him” . I quickly tried to correct him as soon as he finished his speech by telling him it’s ‘inspired’ and not ‘inspectered’ , for which he made a very rough, coarse sound from his throat and again, spat in front of me, this time very close to me than the last time.

I pulled myself and asked about what triggered this new business and replying in his typical style,” yii look, what happeness ij that, ehwen Ekta kapoor ujed to have her sherials, (feeling uncomfortable and switching to Hindi) sirf auntiyan aake tissue paper leti thi, par ab Aamir bhai ka sow (show) jab se aya hai, saala sare uncle lok bhi aake khareed lete hai. Mai bahut khush hun ke hum jaise gareebon ka acha khasa dhanda Aamirji kara rahe hai. Wo bhalehi 3 crore paise lete hai ek sow ke liye, par wo jitna sabku, dardnaak kahanion se rulaenge, utna hi we will have business in profit”.

Having said this he suddenly ran to greet Aamir Khan’s first wife, who arrived to buy 10 tissue boxes as Business Pundits predicted shortage of tissue papers in market, if the show continued to hit auntie’s and uncle’s heart and emotions.

Gujarat Chief Minister was quick enough to sign a MoU with France’s leading TISSUE manufacturing industry and promised to set up world’s first Tissue Park, which will be inaugurated by Aamir Khan himself.

Diggy tweeted after hearing this news: “SAD that Rahulji and I couldn’t find enough Tissue papers after d UP Assembly Election results. I hav proof tht BJP/RSS have conspired this”

The finance minister, when became aware of our path-breaking news, called up a press conference and announced special tax exemptions for TISSUE manufacturers. He said that such shows will not only create awareness but also create HUGE employment opportunities and it would push GDP of Indian economy to great heights. 

Even PM came out to issue some statements about the show, but as usual ended up speaking NOTHING, and, eventually waved his hands, and followed Madamji.

At NewsHour Tonight, Arnab Goswami blasted on top of his lungs to demand answers to the questions:

“Has Aamir Khan’s show done enough to pull up the sales of TISSUE PAPER than the Central Government Tissue Manufacturing policy? 

I want an answer, the whole of India is watching and they are desperate to know that why a tax payer’s money wasn’t used to do some good for Tissue Industry?

Where has that money gone?

Why is the democracy being misused?

 

When will the culprits be prosecuted?

Why isn’t the aam aadmi raising voice against this injustice?

How will this affect the 2014 elections?

Let’s ask to the distinguished panel we have here tonight…” and he turned around to the panel, only to find out that he panel were from all erstwhile cricketers. The script writer made some gestures to make him realize that he read the wrong script!!! And that script was if Sachin should retire or continue playing.

 At last, fed up of all these statements, Aamir himself came out in public and gave perfect answer,” I, am delighted to hear that Tissue Paper sales are soaring high, but we should understand that this is really a sensitive matter. My director is also upset that such important issues are not generating enough revenue, ahh?!!! Sorry, cut it!! Cut it!! We will have a retake…”

“I, am delighted ……blah blah……………….. not generating enough awareness. So please understand the gravity of this situation and thus, in the end, you will understand that and won’t be astound tomorrow, if I may fire the current director and I may direct it by myself!! Since I am THE MR.PERFECTIONIST”