This **FICTIONAL** article was written for SCRIBIDO Magazine and can be checked out HERE
By Delusional Reporter
The Congress (non) Working Committee meeting was held yesterday in New Delhi, which was, obviously headed by ‘honest’, ‘poor’, ‘dictator’ and ‘most-patriotic’ (PUN definitely intended) woman, who happens to be the chairperson of UPA. They all gathered to discuss and devise ways and means to continue ‘scaming’, looting, bludgeon tax payer’s freedom, increase the BPL criterion to Rs.50, to employ more media buffoons and pay them enough to rant on their behest in public.
But the Delusional Reporter has something to unravel; after the
‘showcase’ meeting, there was a clandestine meeting held between in-part
and non-party sycophants. I have exclusive transcript of that
‘clandestine’ meeting…
As soon as the ‘formal’ meeting gets over, Sonia Gandhi, Chidu and Kapil Sibal walks into a separate room and I follow them silently only to find Ranting Queen Barkha Dutt, Rajdeep sirphira, his wife Sagarika and star of THE LAST F*** WORD Karan Thappar fighting over some goddies kept in front of them.
Sonia Gandhi: hey!! All you fellas!! Wat is wrong with you. Haven’t I paid you too much to fight over petty Good Day biscuits!! Underrrstand these are biscuits and not ‘goodies’!! You all are so greedy!! (Chuckles and the rest of the herd, follows the suite)
Barkha Dutt: see you fools!! I told you these aren’t goodies. Nobody listens to me!! (Makes a filthy puppy’s face).
Sagarika:That’s the reason why you’re the only one who rants in your whole show!! (Looks at Rajdeep and says) BUCK STOPS HERE!!! Lol.. It should be, BUG STOPS HERE!! B’CZ shez a ‘bug’ ha ha..
(Everybody laughs, Barkha turns blue and red!!)
Kapil Sibal: c’mon guys!! Let’s stop kitty fight. Let’s get this job done!! I have still to make some non sense statements in media. (Taps his finger fiercely on Aakash tab and is irked) oh god!! It ain’t working. What’s this!! I try to do something good outta bad and it eventually turns out worse!!
Sonia:look guys, we have to chalk out a plan to diminish Team Anna’s movement. It iz getting verry seriousss.. Even Gadkari, though being a heavyweight touched Ramdev’s feet!!! We have to do something.
Karan Thappar: what is that you wish to do? Is that lethal enough to harm the credentials of their movement? Are we forced here to deviate from our agenda?
(Cutting him, Chidambaram speaks)
Chidambaram:Yennada Rascala!! Mind it!! This is not your bloody THE LAST F*** WORD show.. Grow up macha!! We pay to yell on tv and not in front of us.
(Rajdeep, Barkha and Sagarika laughs…)
Sonia:so guys, we have to intensify the ‘CRACK CREAM’ theory.
Rajdeep; yes Madamji, we all are working on it. We managed to report ‘crack’ in ceiling of Gadkariji’s office, Anna’s spectacles, Aravind’s Reebok shoes. (Turns to Karan and says) his shows are pathetic!! Had to analyse to smell it.!!
Kapil: what!! He wears shoes? Reebok shoes? (asking Soniaji) Madamji, I can let the INOCME TAX & CBI dogs to tear them apart. I mean how he got so much of money!!?
What do you have on Kiran Bedi.?( asks Sagarika and Barkha)
(Both Sagarika and Barkha fight to answer that)
Sonia: you see my feet lickers..I mean ‘fete likers’.. The one who will give me the best answer will get 1 year supply of COALGATE and a stake in DLF IPL 6. My son-in-law will get you that.
Barkha: hey, I need it yaar. Sagarika you have two ways to earn and I have only!!! Let me have it. (Confirms the agreement gesture from Sagarika) Madamji, I have discovered that there is very big crack as I managed to ‘crack’ her handset cover and you know what I found!! She has Nokia 1100!! This is mysterious.. Having NOKIA 1100 and tweeting frequently!! There’s a coup. NOKIA 1100 isn’t available now, then how can she have it?
(Everyone starts thinking seriously…)
Sonia: cool!! Barkha I am imprrressed. I thought you’re anyway useless just like your show ‘I THE PEOPLE’.
(Barkha Corrects her) and says it’s ‘WE THE PEOPLE’ mamdamji.
Sonia: Yeah, I forgot that you call yourself ‘we’. Poor 2G gal. So the next step is BJP/ RSS. God!! I am trying so hard to associate everything to BJP/RSS. I feel, we’re terribly lacking to do that because of Internet.!! (turns to Kapil angrily)Kapil!! I told you so many times to ban anti-congress blogs, articles from Facebook, but you are worthless.
(Kapil is still struggling to operate his Aakash)
Sonia: (yells) Kapil!!! Answer me.!!
Kapil: that’s what I am doing!! So only I tried to ban twitter and facebook. I am trying to search some pro-congress groups and hell, there isn’t any!! Why is that everyone hates us!! May be we shall sack ARJUN RAMPAL and start our own show ’LOVE TO HATE’.
Sonia: I want you guys to carry extensively rubbish shows. Call all anti-BJP, anti-ANNA people and conduct debates; be it ‘FAKE THE NATION’, ‘RAJDEEP AT MIDNIGHT’, ‘BUG STOPS HERE’ OR ‘THE LAST F*** WORD’ Put utterly useless queries, which you do otherwise very nicely. But this time!! You have to reach heights of stupidity!!
Forget Modi guys. It seems the more I conspire, the more he slaps us!! I will send Rahul to campaign in Gujarat. Anyhow he’s utterly insulted in UP elections. So let’s make him the ‘HUMILIATING FACE OF CONGRESS’. In this way at least he will be of some use!!!
Rajdeep: (is very uncomfortable) No madam!! We can’t leave Modi. He’s remained my love for years together.(tears rolling down) I swept his house, cleaned his car, shoes, cooked for him, took his cows for grazing, even got my hands dirty in cow dung and yet, I couldn’t find any clue!! Now my sole aim is to try and try, but not to cry. (wiping off with Sagarika’s Hanky)
Barkha: (taunts him) ohh poor ‘lets-be-honest’ baby!! You mean to say, you’re trying hard not to cry!! Ha ha.. keep crying….I mean trying… you see, that’s why I have targeted COMMUNALISM for BJP/RSS.
Sonia: so we’re done here. Try to crack everything more. IT dogs are on their way to Ramdev’s. He will soon be transported out like the black money and never come back. Once all our strategies work out,
(Sonia points to the door and the door slowly opens….with a Manly figure appears, obstructing the surge of light. None could make out who was that figure until Soniaji said this)
Sonia: hey, don’t worry, come in, these are our people. Come and repeat the 1000times rehearsed line
(The man takes a stride and can be seen now. Without wasting a minute, he says)
“I am honest. My life is an open book. If charges are proved, I will quit my public life.”
(Everyone gives a standing ovation for delivering such an honest (?) dialogue)
By Delusional Reporter
The Congress (non) Working Committee meeting was held yesterday in New Delhi, which was, obviously headed by ‘honest’, ‘poor’, ‘dictator’ and ‘most-patriotic’ (PUN definitely intended) woman, who happens to be the chairperson of UPA. They all gathered to discuss and devise ways and means to continue ‘scaming’, looting, bludgeon tax payer’s freedom, increase the BPL criterion to Rs.50, to employ more media buffoons and pay them enough to rant on their behest in public.
But the Delusional Reporter has something to unravel; after the
‘showcase’ meeting, there was a clandestine meeting held between in-part
and non-party sycophants. I have exclusive transcript of that
‘clandestine’ meeting…As soon as the ‘formal’ meeting gets over, Sonia Gandhi, Chidu and Kapil Sibal walks into a separate room and I follow them silently only to find Ranting Queen Barkha Dutt, Rajdeep sirphira, his wife Sagarika and star of THE LAST F*** WORD Karan Thappar fighting over some goddies kept in front of them.
Sonia Gandhi: hey!! All you fellas!! Wat is wrong with you. Haven’t I paid you too much to fight over petty Good Day biscuits!! Underrrstand these are biscuits and not ‘goodies’!! You all are so greedy!! (Chuckles and the rest of the herd, follows the suite)
Barkha Dutt: see you fools!! I told you these aren’t goodies. Nobody listens to me!! (Makes a filthy puppy’s face).
Sagarika:That’s the reason why you’re the only one who rants in your whole show!! (Looks at Rajdeep and says) BUCK STOPS HERE!!! Lol.. It should be, BUG STOPS HERE!! B’CZ shez a ‘bug’ ha ha..
(Everybody laughs, Barkha turns blue and red!!)
Kapil Sibal: c’mon guys!! Let’s stop kitty fight. Let’s get this job done!! I have still to make some non sense statements in media. (Taps his finger fiercely on Aakash tab and is irked) oh god!! It ain’t working. What’s this!! I try to do something good outta bad and it eventually turns out worse!!
Sonia:look guys, we have to chalk out a plan to diminish Team Anna’s movement. It iz getting verry seriousss.. Even Gadkari, though being a heavyweight touched Ramdev’s feet!!! We have to do something.
Karan Thappar: what is that you wish to do? Is that lethal enough to harm the credentials of their movement? Are we forced here to deviate from our agenda?
(Cutting him, Chidambaram speaks)
Chidambaram:Yennada Rascala!! Mind it!! This is not your bloody THE LAST F*** WORD show.. Grow up macha!! We pay to yell on tv and not in front of us.
(Rajdeep, Barkha and Sagarika laughs…)
Sonia:so guys, we have to intensify the ‘CRACK CREAM’ theory.
Rajdeep; yes Madamji, we all are working on it. We managed to report ‘crack’ in ceiling of Gadkariji’s office, Anna’s spectacles, Aravind’s Reebok shoes. (Turns to Karan and says) his shows are pathetic!! Had to analyse to smell it.!!
Kapil: what!! He wears shoes? Reebok shoes? (asking Soniaji) Madamji, I can let the INOCME TAX & CBI dogs to tear them apart. I mean how he got so much of money!!?
What do you have on Kiran Bedi.?( asks Sagarika and Barkha)
(Both Sagarika and Barkha fight to answer that)
Sonia: you see my feet lickers..I mean ‘fete likers’.. The one who will give me the best answer will get 1 year supply of COALGATE and a stake in DLF IPL 6. My son-in-law will get you that.
Barkha: hey, I need it yaar. Sagarika you have two ways to earn and I have only!!! Let me have it. (Confirms the agreement gesture from Sagarika) Madamji, I have discovered that there is very big crack as I managed to ‘crack’ her handset cover and you know what I found!! She has Nokia 1100!! This is mysterious.. Having NOKIA 1100 and tweeting frequently!! There’s a coup. NOKIA 1100 isn’t available now, then how can she have it?
(Everyone starts thinking seriously…)
Sonia: cool!! Barkha I am imprrressed. I thought you’re anyway useless just like your show ‘I THE PEOPLE’.
(Barkha Corrects her) and says it’s ‘WE THE PEOPLE’ mamdamji.
Sonia: Yeah, I forgot that you call yourself ‘we’. Poor 2G gal. So the next step is BJP/ RSS. God!! I am trying so hard to associate everything to BJP/RSS. I feel, we’re terribly lacking to do that because of Internet.!! (turns to Kapil angrily)Kapil!! I told you so many times to ban anti-congress blogs, articles from Facebook, but you are worthless.
(Kapil is still struggling to operate his Aakash)
Sonia: (yells) Kapil!!! Answer me.!!
Kapil: that’s what I am doing!! So only I tried to ban twitter and facebook. I am trying to search some pro-congress groups and hell, there isn’t any!! Why is that everyone hates us!! May be we shall sack ARJUN RAMPAL and start our own show ’LOVE TO HATE’.
Sonia: I want you guys to carry extensively rubbish shows. Call all anti-BJP, anti-ANNA people and conduct debates; be it ‘FAKE THE NATION’, ‘RAJDEEP AT MIDNIGHT’, ‘BUG STOPS HERE’ OR ‘THE LAST F*** WORD’ Put utterly useless queries, which you do otherwise very nicely. But this time!! You have to reach heights of stupidity!!
Forget Modi guys. It seems the more I conspire, the more he slaps us!! I will send Rahul to campaign in Gujarat. Anyhow he’s utterly insulted in UP elections. So let’s make him the ‘HUMILIATING FACE OF CONGRESS’. In this way at least he will be of some use!!!
Rajdeep: (is very uncomfortable) No madam!! We can’t leave Modi. He’s remained my love for years together.(tears rolling down) I swept his house, cleaned his car, shoes, cooked for him, took his cows for grazing, even got my hands dirty in cow dung and yet, I couldn’t find any clue!! Now my sole aim is to try and try, but not to cry. (wiping off with Sagarika’s Hanky)
Barkha: (taunts him) ohh poor ‘lets-be-honest’ baby!! You mean to say, you’re trying hard not to cry!! Ha ha.. keep crying….I mean trying… you see, that’s why I have targeted COMMUNALISM for BJP/RSS.
Sonia: so we’re done here. Try to crack everything more. IT dogs are on their way to Ramdev’s. He will soon be transported out like the black money and never come back. Once all our strategies work out,
(Sonia points to the door and the door slowly opens….with a Manly figure appears, obstructing the surge of light. None could make out who was that figure until Soniaji said this)
Sonia: hey, don’t worry, come in, these are our people. Come and repeat the 1000times rehearsed line
(The man takes a stride and can be seen now. Without wasting a minute, he says)
“I am honest. My life is an open book. If charges are proved, I will quit my public life.”
(Everyone gives a standing ovation for delivering such an honest (?) dialogue)
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